Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
